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1  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: September 04, 2014, 12:17:19 PM
Sorry for not being on in the last... three months (I think.) I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still alive and the story is great so far. I'm only going to be on for a few minutes at random times but I will try to catch up when I'm on. It makes me really happy to see the story continuing without me. Anyways thank you guys for fun times I hope at some point I will have another computer and be able to get on often.
2  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Lolitannia RP on: July 21, 2014, 04:52:40 PM
      I can't believe she dressed me... in this... Sevret was standing beneath a cherry tree wearing a vest that was very silky underneath a thick coat obviously made for repelling water. His pants were made of the same material but the inside was lined with silk. Although it is relaxing watching the sakura fall gracefully from the cliff to the ground below. She promised that I wouldn't regret waiting here an hour before sunset... Sevret was so focused on his inner thoughts and watching the cherry blossoms that he didn't notice Cheulyn walk up beside him. She was in a dress made of the same material as his vest but it wrapped fairly tightly around her body and hung from one shoulder; It split at the knee and continued to her feet.
        "Umm... hi Sevret." Her voice was quiet and soft. Sevret flinched at the sudden sound of her voice amid the hushed sounds of rustling leaves. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I can leave if you want."
        Sevret turns and is shocked to see her in those clothes. Her hair seemed to glow a faint red and her eyes shone brilliantly. Hanging from her neck was a necklace that had an opal centered amid nine smaller opals. The center opal swirled with deep green, light blue, and a fierce red. The smaller opals seemed to have flames trapped inside them that slowly morphed from a deep dark blue into a flaring red. "No, it's okay. Umm.." Sevret couldn't seem to get his thoughts collected as she stood before him glowing like a heavenly flame. "Why did you come out here dressed like that?" Her face sunk and her whole posture seemed to shift. Noticing this Sevret quickly tried to amend his sentence. "You seem to be dressed really nice just to come see the cherry blossoms." She smiles and Sevret's breath catches as he realizes just how beautiful she looks.
3  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Lolitannia RP on: July 13, 2014, 11:24:50 PM
                                                                        Sevret & Cheulyn
      "You are a strange one, young Sevret. To choose to talk with the elder and
experiment with blood instead of playing with everyone at the hot springs." Felicia noted as Sevret chanted under his breath while gazing deeply into the vial that contained Felicia's blood. "And, my little spirit caller. So shy, and young,
 and cute. Do you wanna know a secret?"  
       "Umm... Sure. Is it a good secret?" Without any delay Felicia leaned in and whispered into Cheulyn's ear.
After Felicia straightens Cheulyn grins. "Do you want her?" Cheulyn nods enthusiastically and hugs Felicia tightly.
       "I really do miss Felicia. When can I have her?"
        "You can have her real soon. All you have to do is..." Felicia whispers again and Cheulyn's face
 turns a fiery red. She mumbles something under her breathe. "What was that?"
        Slightly louder Cheulyn said "I can't do that." After a short pause she speaks with more
hesitancy "He doesn't have a clue... besides it's not like he does..."
        "Well isn't that a shame. You're too shy aren't you? To ask for such a small thing, and to even
 turn down such a great prize before it's even offered." Felicia shakes her head and begins to walk off.
      "Wait. I- I'll- I'll do it." Felicia laughs and turns again.
      "Then go get ready. I'll have him waiting outside the town gate." And with that she walks by
Sevret grabbing him by the shoulder, gently urging him to walk with her.
4  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 13, 2014, 10:43:13 PM
Okay so, real quick fixes in grammar and spelling errors:
       a = Corrections.
       b = Reasons for corrections/suggestions.

       1a. Uni- While the group proceeds to the hot springs, Lumière notices Yumeiji has been averting his eyes away from her since the departure from the village. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" She bent* a little to his height, Yumeiji nervously took a peek at her and quickly peered* away while gulping his throat with a red face "It's nothing really..." "You sure? You look like you're having a fever-"(Alt. Sent. - It looks like you have a fever.) "I said it is nothing!!" Yuemiji dashed off to(Alt. towards) the hot springs leaving the rest behind.
      "Come on everyone~ I can't wait to get some R & R~" Lumière and Suzuka ran off ahead, while Yuki glared jealously at Lumière...

      1b. notice -> notices = changed to past tense to fit the sentence structure.
            Addition of "has been" = Added to fit "averting" to "since...the village."
            bend -> bent = changed to past tense to fit the sentence structure.
            Addition of "You" and alt. sent. suggestion = The sentence didn't make sense without: adding "You", removing the                                                      question mark from the last sentence, or changing the sentence to the alternative one provided.
            dash -> dashed = changed to past tense to fit the sentence structure.
            to = Alt. word provided to ease reading.
            run -> ran =  changed to past tense to fit the sentence structure.
            glare -> glared = changed to past tense to fit the sentence structure.
      2a. BrokenSalvation - Yuki faced him with her usual look, but he couldn't help but feel a somewhat tense atmosphere.
             Anyways, why'd(suggest changing to "why would") you be bothered by something like that?"

             "Hee~ I'd like to have some of it(suggest removing) too~" Sharo tugs his shirt.
       2b. can't -> couldn't = changed to past tense to fit the sentence structure.
             "Why would" suggestion = provided to ease reading.
             "of it" removal suggested unless intended = could be taken very naughtily. ( My little brother thought she was talking about yumeji's "popsicle.")

       3a. Yok4l - He stood there triumphantly under the archway, hands on his sides, head tilted back and(removal) , (suggested.) admiring the building.

       3b. "and" removal - And is unnecessary, unless next word changed to admired.
             "," addition - necessary if "and" is removed

       4a. Alex - "Well, you might not smell it..." Said Alex while walking towards Medama with a pained look and Alucard still resting on his shoulder in bat form "...but I do. It's not too pleasant, but I can manage"

       4b. am -> do = prevents confusion and solidifies connection to "While...smell it..."
             pleaseant -> pleasant = spelling correction.
             addition of "," = adds the pause implied by sentence.

       5a. Alucard - Alucard transforms back into human form while still on Alex's shoulder and, laughing hysterically, drops to the ground.

       5b. sentence alteration = correction of grammar errors and alteration to ease reading

      Sorry if this upsets anyone. I just noticed a large number of errors and no corrections. Also, I'm still in correction mode from proofreading the final chapter of the little busters 4-koma. And Broken... There are weaknesses in your wall of text, I'm just too lazy to point them out to you. The errors are there though.

P.S. My wall is futuristic and floats on itself.
5  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Lolitannia RP on: July 11, 2014, 01:12:54 PM
        Sevret giggles "Looks like you are going to the hot springs Alex." He then turns to Felicia. "Shall we go inside and begin our conversation?" Felicia nods and turns to wave goodbye to the group as they leave for the hot springs.
        "Sevret... is it okay if I stay with you guys? Feu doesn't really like a place with that much water around. Also, Yami likes to splash him... its just better if I stay away."
        Felicia, having finished her well wishing, eyes Cheulyn inquisitively. "Cheulyn, How did you get those spirits with you by the way?" She begins walking towards her hut. "They seem to be a lively pair. But I've seen someone of your abilities before."
       "Really! What was she like! Was she able to control fire and darkness too?" Cheulyn was practically hanging on Felicia's every word.
       "Hahaha, calm down child. He was very much like you. But he had many more spirits, let's see. He controlled a fire spirit named Ifrit, a water spirit named Aquaius, a wind spirit named Aeros, and a thunder spirit who he named... Flash." Chuckling Felicia continued "an earth spirit named Jormungand, a blood spirit named Vasilos, and finally a spirit of light named Taffia."
6  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 11, 2014, 12:41:50 PM
lol okay then. I will try to stay to how she would behave.
7  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Lolitannia RP on: July 10, 2014, 05:50:36 PM
       "Well, It appears they are going to take a trip to the hot springs, and Felicia and I are going to talk about her magic and possibly letting me get a sample of her blood." Sevret chuckles as Felicia nods at him as if she expected as much. "Besides, you guys surely need some rest. Alex.. Are you gonna join them?"
8  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 10, 2014, 05:38:31 PM
So, just caught up again. Lordkalsifer doesn't exactly have a computer capable of using these forums. (Its old or something Idk why) So, Either I could take over cheulyn or the narrator can have control. Either way Kalsifer isn't going to be on for quite awhile, and won't be able to narrate.
9  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 02, 2014, 11:36:51 PM
Good point. Maybe its time for Yok4l's beach scene? Or just each person takes a second to have their character spend some time doing just what they want?
10  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 02, 2014, 10:52:30 PM
       Well, if you need help with story ideas...

1. We could ask to stay in the village and make it the base we work out of.

2. We could travel to the T.O.E. disguised as Ambassadors.

3. We could do a thorough sweep of the area surrounding the village.

4. There could be some sort of open conflict between the T.O.E. and Lolitannia or one of the neighboring empires.

      Just thought I would help with some ideas that you can twist to your liking.
11  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 02, 2014, 10:18:44 PM
I just wanted to know who was right now. If I go next are we skipping anyone who wants to?

Also It makes me happy to see the much longer posts as compared to the beginning. When you go into depth like that it makes me so ecstatic!

"We need a plan" "Agreed" They began to plan something... When I read this I couldn't help laughing  Kyaha
12  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: July 02, 2014, 08:58:29 PM
After a long period of absence I have Returned!! I will be spending today and tomorrow catching up on the story. I never thought being out of high school would make me this busy... anyways thanks for not just killing off mine and kalsifers characters. Also who is narrator?
13  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: June 13, 2014, 06:10:36 PM
Lol, It's not like I'm saying "Do this or don't write" I'm just trying to help you improve with examples and tips. Your writing was understandable and for the most part didn't confuse me. I kinda had to slow down on the conversation between Alex and felicia though. :p

        Also, Today is Alucard, Cheulyn, and my graduation. Soooo, Me and cheulyn won't be here for about 1-11/2 weeks. If Alucard gets a laptop for graduation he might show up, otherwise I don't think he has a way of accessing this site.
14  Art Gallery / Fan-Fiction / Re: Thinking of starting one... on: June 13, 2014, 02:48:13 PM
        There doesn't need to be a word before "went in" because it is referring to the "group" before the first comma. However, the sentence is structured wrong and should sound more like:
       Lizzy opened the gates to the village and, following Alex's lead, the group went in.
And to show that it is a different person speaking, authors generally begin a new paragraph with the spoken portion beginning immediately after the indent.
Also I know it is a little complicated but try to describe what a character is doing as he/she speaks, such as
       "All right guys time to do the chicken dance!" Alex puts his right foot in."Come on everyone!"
        "Yuki wants to play too!" Yuki says as she does circles around Alex's bobbing head.

Because if you don't, it feels like the characters are sitting there face to face saying the words to each other and not being animated.
       If the characters are literally sitting there talking to each other, give them some quirks, like if they are uncomfortable then repeatedly change the way their arms are crossed, or if they are in a verbal battle of the wits say that they smirked after a particularly cunning turn of phrase; generally what I am saying is, do you stand perfectly still while conversing with someone? Especially if they are someone you haven't seen in a long time, or someone in a position of power. Do you keep the same straight face? Are your hands in your pockets?
      You don't have to describe everything they are doing, but some actions help to spread the dialogue apart, and make your writing easier and more entertaining to read.
      But so far I really like the way the story is going, and no one writes bad enough to make the story unreadable.
Also I know the forums don't support the TAB function but I generally use eight spaces to indent paragraphs.

I AM NOT AN ENGLISH MAJOR! I just really like writing fiction.
15  Central Area / Video Games / Re: Terraria on: June 10, 2014, 04:49:03 PM
okay sounds fun
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